Jun 1, 2015

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Principle VIII ~ Uplevel Relations With Truth, Authenticity & Compassion

Principle VIII ~ Uplevel Relations With Truth, Authenticity & Compassion

Couple sitting up in bed, both looking away   Original Filename: couple.jpg

Principle VIII ~ UPLEVEL RELATIONS WITH TRUTH, AUTHENTICITY AND COMPASSION by Sasha Lessin, Ph.D.

Learn the cybernetic model. The cybernetic model of mutually-enhancing communication between lovers is a feedback model. In this model, honest communication improves relationships.

When you confront your lover or friend and take to heart what he or she says, you help each other grow. You feel loved and make choices based on love. You accept, adore, cooperate and share more.

 black couple ff20c4880422f21577c0aa0f12067755The more you share, the more you develop judgment, competence and individuality and actively show these to your beloved, who lovingly yet honestly shares reactions. Use this feedback to raise your consciousness so you perceive with greater clarity, develop your individuality further and make better choices.

Commit to lovers whom you accept, lovers who lovingly challenge and who enhance you.

couple fightingChallenge is critical; in the heat of intense, authentic emotional confrontation you give each other the feedback each of you needs to understand how you affect each other, the feedback you need to become a more loving person.

You risk your vulnerability with lovers you commit to–she, he or they could reject or accept you and your growth. Stop seeing things only your way and open to your lovers’ opinions. Care about their development.

Learn from each other, cooperate, and make ever-more growth-enhancing choices, based on the loving energy you share. Embrace the cycle with your lovers and raise your sophistication as you learn from their experience and feedback. Your growth simultaneously contributes to their growth. As you mature from their feedback, you can give the greater love, acceptance, cooperation and feedback they need.

loving-relationship-01Each time you and your sweethearts complete a cycle–choice, commitment, vulnerability, encouragement, synergistic learning and use of each other’s reactions–you raise your consciousness.

You and your lovers grow when you cultivate the cybernetic communication cycle below.

You spiral up when you let each other go separate directions around the outer rims of the cycle wheels. When you reach the shared rim in the middle of the chart, where clockwise merges with counter-clockwise, you care about each other’s growth. On the shared rim, you confront and take to heart what your love says. You help each other grow. You feel loved and make your choices based on love. You accept, adore, cooperate and share more.

Develop judgment, competence and individuality and actively show these to your beloved, who lovingly yet honestly shares reactions. Use this feedback to raise your consciousness so you perceive with greater clarity, develop your individuality further and make better choices.

gay couple fighting 0_4358Your growth simultaneously contributes to your beloved’s growth. As you mature from her or his feedback, you can give the greater love, acceptance, cooperation and feedback she or he needs. Each time you both complete a cycle–choice, commitment, vulnerability, encouragement, synergistic learning and use of each other’s reactions–you raise your consciousness.

In the exercises to follow, you and your beloved experience each of the steps in the communication cycle. You learn to choose, see, feel and enjoy each other, assert yourselves, know you can share. You commit and risk; let love affect you both. You celebrate your individuality, similarity and universality. Cooperate and encourage each other to learn and grow by just completing the sentences. All-in-all, the exercises and the communication cycle teach you to use each other’s views to better yourself and mutually make more.

gay couple 7a78038cbe46e5a7858b77fe62858581Choose
To start the cycle, each says,
“I love you.”
“I want you as my mate.”
“I’m glad I’m your beloved.”
“I want a great relationship with you.”
“I want mutually delightful sexual relations with you.”

See, Feel, Enjoy
Sharpen your awareness lest you dull yourself.

Two upset teenage girls sitting on sofa indoors at home

Understand and value the other as contradictory, multi-faceted and complex.

Tolerate and sympathize; be reasonable and sensitive.

Love while you see and accept each other’s flaws.

Seek to know each other, but avoid prying.

Show respectful regard for each other, neither indifference nor interrogation.

lesbian couple BFzeMyxCUAAKXdzAssert
Share your changing opinions with your beloved, even if it’s risky. The alternative is to say what you think the other wants to hear. The cost of that is she or he can relate only to your lies. Inside, you feel unknown and unloved. And you torture yourself for lying.

Know You Can Share
You can cheer your dear with words. Or do the opposite. Some kind, gentle words cost you little and mean a lot.

Commit
Get involved with, care about and commit to your mate.

Say what you see.

loving_black_couple1Help your darling grow. And grow up.

Say, “Beloved, I commit to your well-being and growth.”

“I support you in your goals.”

Risk: Let Your Love Affect You
Declare your ideas, especially about yourself.

Let your intimate influence what you think and do. Bend, adapt, and trust.

Weigh the risk of sharing against the return of more intimacy.

AA__Asian_Les_CoupleShare only when you both feel trust.

Finish this sentence with each other as many times as you can:

“You don’t know I …”

What do you dread divulging? Magnify your fear and finish [Adapted from Shepard, M., The Do-It- Yourself Psychotherapy Book. New York: Wyden, 1973, p. 21].

“I have secrets so bad that if you knew you’d …”

relationships-img1120602021_1_1If your mate can cope with those, complete these:
“It’s hardest to tell you…”
“I risk our relation by revealing …”

Celebrate You’re Singular, Similar & Same
When you tell the truth, you and your love learn you’re different, similar and just alike. Singular, similar, and the same.

black couple95ca88670cefee0762c9498e42b10b8fDelight in your differences.

Similarities let you feel close. Your sameness is your spiritual unity, the wholeness of two halves joining.

Complete to each other:
“We vary in these ways …”
“I enjoy these differences …”
“I see us similar inasmuch as we both …”
“I identify with you when …”
“Our souls connect when …”

Grow Encouraging Each Other
Find new meanings together.

black-love-oldReach out to help each other meet needs.

Encounter with care and mutual respect.

Recognize you are each equal to the other.

When you help your darling develop, you grow. You flower when you tell your thoughts and express your emotions that help the other mature.

Say, “Sweetheart, I think your strengths are …” (State some.)

gay coupleThen switch. Your partner tells you her of his assessment of your admirable attributes.

Say, “If you stimulate these strengths, five years from now you’ll …” (Complete.)

Learn from Each Other
Understand and artfully affirm each other. Stop submitting. Don’t dominate. Learn from your mate that you’re more than you think.

Complete with each other: “The most valuable thing for you to know about yourself and how you affect me is …”

Cooperate
Tell each other, “Let’s work together and both gain …”

love-relationships-relationship-quote-image-quotes-Favim.com-504497“Here’s how to sexually satisfy me better…” (finish, show her, him or them)

“How can I satisfy you better sexually?” Then do it.

Use Your Darling’s View for a Better You: Integrate Feedback

Mull your mate’s messages and you mature. Complete to each other:

“When I first saw you, I thought …”

“Now I see you as …”

Famous-Gay-Couples-Who-Engaged-Married“You’ve made me aware that to you I seem …”

Mutually Make More
The following brings it all home.

Hold hands; look in your love’s eyes. Take turns completing the cues. If your partner isn’t present, proclaim to a pillow, pretending it’s your partner.


“How I choose to relate to you is…”


“These are the patterns we practice…”


lesbian_pregnant_couple“With you I’m …”


“I savor these six successes sharing with you …”


“I’m honest and caring with you when I use these skills …”


“I promise you …”


“I let you affect my attitudes when …”


“I care for you in a way you can feel when …”


“You reach out, contacting me when you …”


“I feel known and encouraged when you …”

 

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